Points per game, 2007-2008

	2007	2008	Differential
Suit Killers	100.00	114.31	+14.31
The Real Schafer	67.43	106.38	+38.96
Beer Dean	97.86	106.23	+8.37
Taking the Reins	94.43	99.92	+5.49
Rob College	86.57	95.31	+8.74
Ja	89.79	95.00	+5.21
Megatron	92.00	91.92	-0.08
Soak-n-Suds	88.43	91.46	+3.03
Goldsmiths	97.71	91.08	-6.64
SINS	97.86	86.77	-11.09
Who Dey	82.21	79.62	-2.60
Team Marketing	98.29	69.00	-29.29
League	91.05	93.92	+2.87

Whither English syntax?

Commissioner PROTIP: Try to make your Smack Talk notes follow the proper syntax of the English language. An adjective + noun + intransitive verb doesn't ever form a sentence.

Week 12 Recap & Power Rankings

Two more weeks to go, and the playoff picture is still as incoherent as before- the top two are settled in, the number three team is doing what they can to give it up, while the final spot is totally up for grabs- 9 teams still have a shot at the post-season. Beer to the Dean emerged as the new top team, despite a subpar performance, Ja almost got doubled by SINS Bolden, and Megatron & Co. are making a late surge.

The top three players were all traded at some point this season- Michael Turner led all running backs with a 4-TD game against Carolina, while Matt Cassel and Trent Edwards (both were undrafted, signed by the Goldsmiths, and subsequently traded to Team Marketing) were the top quarterbacks. Matt Cassel continued to build up his free agent resume with another 400 yard game so some short-sighted franchise will give him the keys to the bank vault, only to find out that he may not be able to replicate his numbers in a situation where he doesn't have Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Later today, I will be moving the archives of the Weekly Recap, the Power Rankings, The Bolden Picks, and other content to r-time.blogspot.com, so you can access it easily. I will let you know when it is launched.

Onto the power rankings- headlined by the third number one in as many weeks.

God-tier Division

1. Beer to the Dean (9-3)
A second straight trip to the playoffs is inevitable, as BD got past the Suit Killers, despite a lackluster week from everyone but Roethlisberger and the Minnesota D. With the final two games against SNS and SINS Bolden, the #1 seed could be wrapped up.

2. Suit Killers (8-4)
Lost in the matchup to BD. Tony Homo unleashed dragons, but nobody else did anything- the much vaunted running back depth failed to pay dividends, as Westbrook was (rightfully) benched and Barber, Slaton, and Ronnie Brown did very little (Derrick Ward played well, though.) This is a team on a bad spell- they've now lost a Skittles-like three of their last four after starting out 7-1, but they will assuredly be a favorite in any contest going forward.

Infuriating Contender Division

3. Ja (8-4)
So much for their time on top- SINS Bolden smoked Ja this week, thanks to the failures of anyone but Kevin Walter and Phil Rivers to do anything. Three players on Ja had zero or fewer points- even Team Marketing can win if that is the opposition.

4. The Real Schafer (7-5)
Beat Team Marketing to win their fourth game in the last five weeks. A slim point advantage gives them the tiebreaker advantage for now, but the tremendous parity in the 4th-10th teams make this a tenuous hold.

5. Rob College (7-5)
What's this? Rob is winning games in November? The Goldsmiths trail by fifty points going into MNF, so it appears that Rob has kept his playoff hopes alive- he is out of the fourth and final playoff spot by just 60+ points. The last two weeks are tough- a decent Taking the Reins (assuming McNabb is no longer starting) and the Suit Killers are the final opponents.

Pervasive Mediocrity Division (a.k.a., UD Division)

6. Megatron & Co. (6-6)
After spending most of the season hovering just above the sewage squads, Megatron & Co. are the hottest team in the league, and actually have a shot at making the playoffs. Michael Turner was the top scoring player in football this week, scoring four touchdowns against the Panthers.

7. Taking the Reins (6-6)
McNabb had the statistically worst fantasy performance of any player all season this week- 59 yards, two picks, and a fumble translated to negative point. Some otherwise decent performances were overshadowed by total lack of productivity at the QB spot. It's been up and down all season for TTR- they were my preseason pick to win the league, they played poorly through the first part of the season, won a few games to get back in contention, and now their slim hopes for a playoff spot are on life support.

8. Soak-n-Suds (6-6)
Losers of three of their last four games, it appears that SNS has played themselves out of any serious playoff contention- they boast a quarterback who probably shouldn't start in a twelve team league, two of the least dependable good players in the game (McClain and Houshmanzadeh), and now Felix Jones is officially done for the season.

9. SINS Bolden (6-6)
Thanks to TO's incredible performance against the 49ers, SINS Bolden dealt a serious blow to Ja's season and made it back to .500. Aside from Owens and the Tampa D (which had the fortune this week of playing the Lions), nothing else stood out, and for the season, only Who Dey and Team Marketing have scored fewer points.

10. Brooklyn Goldsmiths (5-7)
So much for playing the role of spoiler- though three key players (Aaron Rodgers, Donald Driver, and the inexplicably high scoring Green Bay D) go tonight, the Goldsmiths fell short in their mission to take Skittles out of the playoffs. Matt Forte had an excellent game, but for whatever reason didn't touch the ball after the first half (the fact that they were slaughtering the Rams might have had something to do with it though.) Besides Heath Miller, nobody else even saw a double-digit game. Next week it's the Suit Killers- ouch.

Brian Torpey Division

11. Who Dey (3-9)
Almost every week this team will suck, but once in a while they come out of absolutely nowhere to knock off a superior team. A great performance from Trent Edwards and the Baltimore D turned what should have been a cakewalk by SNS into a rout in the wrong direction. This team could actually finish with five wins- the final two games are against the mediocre SINS Bolden and the atrocious Team Marketing.

12. Team Marketing (1-11)
This week's loss almost assuredly gave Manos the best odds in the draft lottery. Maybe Matt Cassel will be a good keeper once he is starting for the Eagles next year? Maybe Manos will make shrewd picks and trades in the draft? Maybe your team will go from the third playoff seed one season to incredulously inept in the next?

Power Rankings: JoJa edition

For all of you who were expecting Bolden's Power Rankings, you are in for a surprise! Bolden asked me to be the guest columnist this week, in which I was honored to be selected after Haubert declined. Manos will be emailing all my grammar mistakes soon so look out for that email!

With playoffs approaching shortly, the last playoff spot just got more interesting tonight and is still up for grabs. There are several games to be decided by the game tomorrow night, which include: The Real Schafer vs. SINS Bolden, Rob College vs. Beer to the Dean, and Suit Killers vs. Who Dey (jk).

Bolden went under .500 with his picks this week. Don't know the final figure but I know that the picks cant finish above .500.

Onto my Power Rankings (Josh's rankings follow), and the new number one team:

1. Suit Killers (8-3) (Week 11 Win)
Thanks to the pathetic performance by Ja and the dominate performance by Haubert, Suit Killers regains the number one spot in the Power Rankings and has held the spot for 9 out of the 11 weeks. After losing two straight to the JoJa Monster, Suit Killers rebounded big thanks to the strong performances by Marion Barber, Steve Slaton, and the Giants D. Also, playing the pathetic Who Dey team also helps rebounding after two losses. With only two players left to play for Who Dey, Suit Killers holds an 89 point lead. While the trade with Jackson for Wayne and Westbrook didn't add any real value to his team this week, Suit Killers looks forward to an intriguing key match-up next week against the second place team, Beer to the Dean. Prediction: Suit Killers will win again.

2. Ja (8-3) (Week 11 Loss)
Thanks to the unfavorable matchups as Josh mention in his picks on Friday, Ja struggled badly and dropped a spot in the Power Rankings. With weak performances by Rivers, Burress, and a 180 degree turn by Soak-n-Suds from prior week, Ja loses this match-up by 50 points. By making no trades, a weak bench that includes two kickers and defenses and by relying on the same players to out perform each week, this team might struggle next week against SINS Bolden and even in the playoffs.
PROTIP: Just because you were in first place doesn't mean you're the better twin.

3. Beer to the Dean (7-4 or 8-3) (Undetermined)
With just Lee Evans left for Rob College and with Beer to the Dean only up 5 points, a loss is looming for Beer to the Dean. With all except one player underperforming, Beer to the Dean took a step back this week. With Steven Jackson out and Adrian Peterson held under 100 yards, Beer to the Dean took a hit this week. If only he would have had Marvin Harrison (13pts) in instead of a questionable Earnest Graham (.3 points), Beer to the Dean would have won this match-up. With one of the strongest remaining schedules left, Beer to the Dean might end up missing the playoffs.
PROTIP: Analyze your questionable players before submitting your changes.
PROTIP: Listen to The Real Schafer.

4. The Real Schafer (6-5 or 7-4) (Week 11 Undetermined)
As Josh said last week, "against all odds, this team continues to roll." This week The Real Schafer had many favorable match-ups but with poor management of starting players, The Real Schafer is in jeopardy of losing a match-up that he should have won. While having an outstanding performance by DeAngelo Williams, Thomas Jones, and Anquan Boldin, The Real Schafer decided to start Steve Breaston (1.5 pts) at the last minute instead of Lance Moore (16pts) or Antonio Pittman (9.9pts) of whom was picked up off waivers this week. This move might define the season for this team. With SINS Bolden having only Braylon Edwards left and down only 9 points, tomorrow will be interesting! However, while a lost is looming for The Real Schafer, the trade for Reggie Bush last week and a strong bench makes this team a dangerous team going into the final three games of the season.

5. Taking the Reins (6-5) (Week 11 Loss)
Taking the Reins had a easy week last week against Team Marketing as that team is like a door knob and everyone takes a turn. With a dominating Packer performance for Bolden and with the majority of players under performing for Taking the Reins, Taking the Reins took a tough loss this week. With 9 out of 11 weeks of scoring at least 96 points, Taking the Reins is being held to only 63 points with one player left. While Bolden did predict a win for Taking the Reins due to the favorable match-ups (McNabb against Bengals, Hightower against Seahawks), the opposite occurred. This team has critical match-ups in the final two weeks against Rob College and The Real Schafer. With his low performance, The Real Schafer gains about 30 points in the points column.
Prediction: Wins next two games and faces The Real Schafer in the final week to determine the last playoff spot.

6. Rob College (7-4 or 6-5) (Week 11 Undetermined)
Down 5 pts to Beer to the Dean and with Lee Evans left to play, an upset against Beer to the Dean looks promising. With people expecting Rob to collapse as he did last year, this team is making a run for the playoffs and defining all the odds. With really only three players making up the majority of the poor performance, Rob looks to take advantage of the poor performance by Beer to the Dean and likely pulls the upset. With a likely win and a loss by Taking the Reins and a potential loss by The Real Schafer, Rob is looking at sole possession of the final playoff spot.
Prediction: He won't be able to hold off Taking the Reins or Suit Killers in the final two weeks of the season and he will miss the playoffs.

7. Soak-n-Suds (6-5) (Week 11 Win)
While this team dominated the first place team, it was not a surprise as Ja faced unfavorable match-ups. I will give this team credit for making a move by acquiring three players from The Real Schafer, but unfortunately, the trade didn't help with his performance. Garrard was held to 6 points, Muhammad to 1.6 points, and Felix Jones being ruled out. Soak-n-Suds had three players with at least 20 points which made up for the poor performance by his QB and other players. While this team still needs a QB, Soak-n-Suds will win at least two more games this year (Who Dey and Team Backups).
Without Gurrad performing well, this team wont even survive if it make the playoffs. Even if Soak-n-Suds ends up being tied for the final playoff spot pending the outcome of tomorrows game, the team is still trailing significantly in points. Doesn't look so good for Soak-n-Suds.

8. Brooklyn Goldsmiths (5-6) (Week 11 Win)
Josh most likely pulls a huge upset by beating Taking the Reins depending if Joe somehow gets 27 points from Marshawn Lynch. With Willie Parker back and great games by Rodgers, and the Packers D, coupled with bad performances by Taking the Reins, Josh wins big and shacks up the playoff picture. While Josh predicted he would lose, the opposite occurred. PROTIP: Insist that Josh predicts you to lose.
While getting close to .500, this team can only be a spoiler in the next three weeks and most likely won't finish about .500. This team looks like a contender next year with the trades he made throughout the year (Marshall) and potential keepers in Matt Ryan or Willie Parker.

9. Megatron & Co. (5-6) (Week 11 Win)
Easy and expected win for Megatron & Co. against Team Sucks. Megaton & Co gave up Westbrook and Wayne for Turner, which is paying off already (20 pts) Incase you missed Jackson's memo last week, he explained why the trade was so amazing. Glad you are happy for next year...NOT. Making a run at .500 is the only goal at this point in the season since the trade deadline is over. With three tough games left against all .500 teams, Megatron & Co. will probably not finish above .500. However, he can play the role of spoiler in the coming weeks.
PROTIP: Use players you actually trade for and not bench them (Pierre Thomas). Poor management decisions is the reason why you wont make the playoffs. Maybe you have a shot next year…. NOT.

10. SINS Bolden (4-7 or 5-6) (Week 11 Undertermined)
As Bolden stated, "this team is dominated by streaky and inconsistent players." SINS Bolden showed up this week and might pull off the upset due to the poor management decisions of The Real Schafer. With a big day from Gore as expected and Jonathan Stewart coming off the bench and sharing time with Williams, SINS Bolden is about to shock The Real Schafer and shake up the standings as he has one player left (Edwards) and down 9 points. While this team is getting closer to .500, SINS Bolden faces the other half next week, Ja, and Bear to the Dean in the last week. Don't look to get to .500 this season. As the Bengals always say, "Maybe next year."

11. Who Dey (2-9) (Week 11 Loss)
Destroyed by Suit Killers, this team is looking nearly as bad as Team Marketing at this point. However, Team Marketing just sucks and I cant move them up a spot even though Who Dey is losing by 89 points. Clinton Portis, is the only player on this team worth mentioning. Its pretty pathetic that Portis has to be on this team as he deserves better. Depending on tomorrow's game, only the kicker so far scored in double digits. This team is bad but will beat Team Marketing in the last game of the year.

12. Team Marketing (1-10) (Week 11 Loss)
I don't have anything to say about this team. Who is kidding. This team just sucks. There are so many PROTIPS that I don't know where to begin. Actually, its almost 2AM and Ill save them for another time. PROTIP: Instead of picking up QBs next year, try and get at least a star performer and not backups. Staying in last place is something Manos is just accustomed to. PROTIP: Don't even play next year. (It must suck to read these emails and hear how bad your team is.

Learner and the learned

Joshua: give jackson some protips
John: haha u know it

Week 11 Recap & Power Rankings

1. Suit Killers
2. Beer to the Dean
3. Ja
4. The Real Schafer
5. Rob College
6. Taking the Reins
7. Soak-n-Suds
8. Brooklyn Goldsmiths
9. Megatron & Co.
10. SINS Bolden
11. Who Dey
12. Team Marketing

How trades are supposed to work

Haubert:
Protip: look at draft positions and draft history before down voting
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_even_wrong

Bolden:
Commissioner protip: [Michael Turner for Wayne, Westbrook, Buckhalter] is the kind of trade ALL of you should be making. Jackson and Haubert made the smart trade for their situations. Not all of us have the luxury of protecting Edge James in the second round.

Week 10 Recap & Power Rankings

I didn't wake up until 2pm on Sunday, so I wasn't able to follow the games as closely as usual. Around our league, the playoff picture is pretty clear- Suit Killers, Ja, and BD have command of the top three, while Taking the Reins, Rob College, and The Real Schafer are tied for the final spot, with Taking the Reins holding a big point advantage. Soak-n-Suds is on life support at 5-5; the rest are sure-fire lottery teams.

Remember, the trade deadline is this Friday- if you are a bubble team, you can't expect your current lineups to get you over the hump (I'm looking at you, Soak-N-Suds and Rob College.) My roster is still available, except for Aaron Rodgers and Brandon Marshall. This means Willie Parker, Donald Driver, and even Matt Forte could be yours if you have something I want.

Unlike last week, all the games should be decided now- Haubert trails Ja by 48 points and would need an epic game from Warner and Fitzgerald to hold on.

Onto the Power Rankings, and the new number one team:

1. Ja (8-2)
Thanks to Brandon Jacobs and the Jets defense, Ja has unseated Haubert to claim the top spot on the Power Rankings- it's the first time since Week 2, when Jackson somewhat inexplicably was my top-ranked team, that someone else was ranked #1. Ja has a good team, but the bench is abysmal (a backup kicker, a backup defense, and Matt Schaub?) One more win could clinch a playoff spot.

2. Suit Killers (7-3)
Barring an unparalleled number of dragons being unleashed tonight by Kurt Warner, the Suit Killers will have dropped two straight- both to Joja . It was a bad week all around for the best roster in the league; even stalwart Steve Slaton had a terrible game, earning just 24 all-purpose yards. Three other players scored in the single digits. The Suit Killers will get back on track next week when they play Who Dey.

3. Beer to the Dean (7-3)
Another 100+ point game thanks to a dominant rushing game, even with Chris Johnson shut down and Steven Jackson inactive. The waiver-wire steal of Mewelde Moore was sharp- he added 22 points this week and could have been claimed by any other team in the league. How someone like Moore can clear waivers in a league where several teams have backup defenses, kickers, and tight ends simply baffles me.

4. Taking the Reins (6-4)
A lot of variability in the scoring from this week's win against Team Marketing- McNabb and McGahee scored over 20 points each, while three players had less than five. TTR is tied with two others for the fourth playoff spot, but has almost a 90 point advantage over the others in the tie-breaking decider.

5. The Real Schafer (6-4)
Against all odds, this team continues to roll; this week, four players had over 20 points, including the week's top scorer, Thomas Jones. Despite my doubts, this team is pretty good- their next three games are against losing teams, so they could easily have eight wins going into the last week of the regular season against Taking the Reins.

6. Rob College (6-4)
Skittles finally won another game- albeit against Who Dey, and despite the fact that Skittles once again failed to adjust his lineup before the game, as he started both Jason Witten and Nick Folk, who were on a bye week. Skittles won the game, but missed out on adding to his point total - something a team on the playoff bubble desperately needs, and incurred the wrath of this commissioner in the process.

7. Soak-n-Suds (5-5)
I liked this team's playoff chances after the trade with the Goldsmiths, but they are treading water right now, losing this week to The Real Schafer. If this team is going to move back into the playoff race, they desperately need to acquire a legitimate starting quarterback before the deadline on Friday- Marc Bulger scored a fraction of a point this week, while Derek Anderson and Gus Frerrote are not viable options.

8. Megatron & Co. (4-6)
Not a pretty win, and they were outscored by every other winning team this week and had five starters score under five points. A mediocre team, but one that would be a tough opponent and could be a spoiler.

9. Brooklyn Goldsmiths (4-6)
A decent effort- 95 points could have beat a handful of teams this week, but wasn't close to toppling Beer Dean. Aaron Rodgers had one of his worst games of the season, and Rashied Davis, Robert Royal, and Donald Driver decided to do the same. If Willie Parker ever comes back, this team could spoil someone else's season, as they close out the final four games all against .500 or better teams.

10. SINS Bolden (4-6)
It's bad when teams have a handful of players scoring single digit point totals; this week, SINS Bolden had four starters with less than THREE points. This team is dominated by streaky and inconsistent players- Bret Favre, Braylon Edwards, Ray Rice, Anthony Gonzalez...

11. Who Dey (2-8)
Destroyed by a half-assed Rob College squad, this team is looking nearly as bad as Team Marketing at this point. Tony Gonzalez was the only skill player to come close to double digits, and besides Clinton Portis, is the only player on this team who may hold value to a contender.

12. Team Marketing (1-9)
Waiting for the Week 14 matchup against Who Dey to claim the title of "not as bad at this as Brian Torpey."

ALDI

Protip: searching through a dozen unmarked cardboard boxes to find the kind of Corn Flakes I want isn't worth saving $1.50

Week 9 Recap & Power Rankings

I'm swamped with school work and election things right now, so the full write up will come later tonight when I can relax with the thought of President-Elect B. Hussein Obama. Here is the super-succinct version of the Power Rankings:

1. Suit Killers (7-2)
2. Ja (7-2)
3. Beer to the Dean (6-3)
4. Taking the Reins (5-4)
5. Soak-n-Suds (5-4)
6. The Real Schafer (5-4)
7. Rob College (5-4)
8. Brooklyn Goldsmiths (4-5)
9. Megatron & Co. (3-6)
10. SINS Bolden (4-5)
11. Who Dey (2-7)
12. Team Marketing (1-8)

Week 8 Recap & Power Rankings

Week 8 was defined by a plethora of near-upsets and another miserable week for the Bolden Picks. All games but one were close- five of the six games were decided in the Monday night game.

Besides Leonard Weaver (??), there were no surprising players who had great performances- Brian Westbrook was the only 30+ point player in the league, and only Santana Moss and David Garrard eclipsed 25 points.

It could have been a week that created incredible parity in the middle of the standings, but in the end, the good teams got better, the bad teams got worse, and two once-good teams (Rob College and SINS Bolden) continue their free-fall.

1 Suit Killers (7-1)
Beat out Jackson by less than two points to avoid what would have been one of the biggest upsets of the year. No serious weakness is apparent, though Ronnie Brown has slowed down, and #2 pick Chad Johnson is the weakest player on this team's bench. Kurt Warner unleashed dragons all over the field against Carolina in a losing effort, but continues to show that he's a decent fantasy QB. How many ways can I say that this is the best team?

2 Beer to the Dean (6-2)
While the Suit Killers were nearly knocked off by a mediocre opponent, BD almost lost to Who Dey in what could have been an even bigger upset. They were hobbled by losing Steven Jackson, but still put up 108 points (and this was with Kevin Walter on the bench; how many times do I need to tell you people to fade the Bengals whenever possible?) Dallas Clark's huge game on Monday night gave them win number six, and kept them in control of the number two playoff spot.

3 Ja (6-2)
Ja was yet another near-victim of an upset, as Plaxico Burress, Amani Toomer, Brandon Jacobs, Hines Ward, and Derrick Mason all had very poor weeks- Ja put up only 80 points, the lowest total of any winner this week. It was still good enough to beat a depleted Goldsmiths roster, however. Next week is a matchup against Rob College that would tremendously help this team's playoff chances if Ja can bounce back from a poor showing this week.

4 Soak-n-suds (5-3)
Recurring theme of the week continues: Soak-n-Suds may not yet be one of the league's elite just yet, but they nearly lost to the woeful Team Marketing. Vernon Davis has done nothing all year, and will likely do a lot less- S-n-S cut him last night and will turn to a different answer at TE. TJ Houshmanzadeh failed to do much in his debut, bringing in 63 all purpose yards and no touchdowns- with Carson Palmer likely done for the season, his numbers will stay weak. Ryan Grant and Michael Pittman come back next week.

5 Taking the Reins (4-4)
While not an upset, this one was certainly another case of a Bolden Pick being way off-target- I thought this would be a close game, and I gave TJ the edge if Colston and Shockey were playing...it turned out to be the only game that wasn't remotely close all week, as Taking the Reins poured it on SINS Bolden, nearly doubling their score. Santana Moss and LT were the big stars, scoring 26 and 23 points respectively- those two along with Marshawn Lynch outscored TJ this week. Hightower and McGahee add great depth to the running back spot- TNR is on the outside looking in on the playoff picture for now, but is built to win some games in the coming weeks.

6 Rob College (5-3)
Sound familiar? Rob gets off to a hot start (4-1 this season, 7-0 last year,) and suddenly injuries and bye weeks derail the team everyone thought was unbeatable. Skittles is on a "skid," so to speak, having now dropped two of three. This week they put up just under 69 points in a loss to The Real Schafer. Not having Jay Cutler in the lineup hurt this week, and he will be back next time, but the loss of Sammy Morris and Larry Johnson for at least a few weeks in both cases will cripple this team's dimming playoff hopes if Rob doesn't try to pull off a trade for running back depth.

7 The Real Schafer (4-4)
Not the best win- only three players went over ten points, the Pittsburgh D was miserable, and Edgerrin James actually lost points. Boldin returned- but was seated on the bench while the fading Muhsin Muhammad instead got a start. With Boldin coming in the lineup, this is a better team, but they face an uphill battle, with games against the Suit Killers and Soak-n-Suds looming in the next two weeks.

8 Brooklyn Goldsmiths (3-5)
Almost beat Ja in a game I considered unwinnable, with my large contingent of Packers along with Matt Forte on a bye. Close or not, this week was a poor effort that would rival Team Marketing's level of failure- four players (Hank Baskett, Jason Elam, Marvin Harrison, and Robert Royal) scored two or fewer points. Next week could be a challenge, as the Goldsmiths take on the recently dangerous Who Dey.

9 SINS Bolden (3-5)
Epic fail- I pick this team in a minor upset, and they shit the bed in remarkable fashion, getting doubled by Taking the Reins. This team is on life-support after being considered an elite team just a few weeks ago; they've lost three straight. When Brett Favre can throw three picks and is still your top player of the week, you have problems. This team needs to start looking to next year.

10 Megatron & Co (2-6)
Thanks to a huge game from Brian Westbrook, Megatron nearly upset the heavily-favored Suit Killers, but fell short on Reggie Wayne's anemic Monday night performance. On paper, this remains a decent team, but is plagued by inconsistent play- another candidate for rebuilding.

11 Who Dey (2-6)
The first 100+ point game of the week wasn't enough to give this team a much-needed win. With this team clearly going nowhere, Clinton Portis would be an elite addition to some of the second-tier competitors looking for a ticket to the playoffs. Next up: a fixture with the Goldsmiths.

12 Team Marketing (1-7)
As bad as it seems they are now, remember that Manos was a playoff team last year. If Team Marketing wants to avoid the ignominious fate of tying Torpey's mark of ineptitude from last year (1-13,) next week's game against SINS Bolden could be their best chance all year.

I said it in week three, and I'll say it again: if your team sucks, make trades, either to get better this year, or to add quality keepers for next year.

Week 7 Recap & Power Rankings

Running backs dominated this week, which helped Beer to the Dean win a big game against Ja, and ensured that Team Marketing would not upset the Suit Killers. Quarterback numbers were so unusually low this week, Dan Orlovsky outscored any other QBs (expect him to be signed by Manos anytime now.)

The Ja vs Beer Dean matchup was high-scoring (as predicted,) as it featured the two top running backs of the week, Steven Jackson and LenDale White on opposing sides. Ja had a great game and would have beat almost any other team, but the contributions from Adrian Peterson, Chris Johnson, and Ben Roethlisberger were too much, and the Beer Dean rolled to a win.

This week's Failure for Inattention Award goes to Rob, who apparently did not know that Larry Johnson was suspended for this week's game. Rob claims that he did not have any other running backs to start, but this only speaks to the weakness of his bench that already caused him to lose to Manos last week. PROTIP FOR SKITTLES: you have two defenses and two tight ends on your roster. You need these spaces for players who can play in the flex spot during bye weeks and injuries.

Yours truly was responsible for one of the bigger mistakes of judgment, as I decided in the last minute to start Marvin Harrison over Mewelde Moore. Moore ended up the number three points leader of the week, behind only Jackson and White.

The Bolden picks looked better this week; I'm 5-for-5 in the games that have likely been decided. One game remains up in the air- Skittles needs 28 points from Cutler, Moss, Morris, and Stokley, who all go tonight.

Power rankings:

1. Suit Killers, 6-1 (Haubert)
Won again despite not having a starting QB. Next week, Kurt Warner will be available, and Tony Homo looks like he might come back to the lineup sooner than originally thought.

2. Beer to the Dean, 5-2 (Schaffer)
Right now, this is the team in the best position to beat the Suit Killers; this team has depth at the running back spot to rival the number one team, but is much weaker at wide receiver. Maybe they should trade for TJ Houshmanzadeh...

3. Ja, 5-2
Lost despite putting up 110 points, this remains an upper-echelon team. They will take on an emaciated version of the Goldsmiths next week and should easily win.

4. Rob College, 4-2 (Skittles)
Has a decent shot at being the fourth five win team if they can get a good game out of a few of the players going tonight. This team will remain a step below the higher-ranked teams as long as the bench stays as weak as it is.

5. Soak-n-Suds, 4-3 (Joe C)
Edged out SINS Bolden to keep pace in the playoff race. A well-balanced team that could take advantage of an easy schedule in the next three weeks and bye week problems for unbalanced teams and jump even higher. Losing Reggie Bush will hurt, but not be overly costly.

6. Taking the Reins, 3-4 (Otten)
Who Dey put up a fight, but TTR outscored every other team in the league except BD to get back on track. An impressive seven players scored in double digits this week. They have work to do to get back in the playoff chase, but my preseason pick for champ is at least still afloat.

7. Brooklyn Goldsmiths, 3-4 (Bolden)
Narrow victory (barring a big game from Eddie Royal tonight) to remain one of the better mediocre teams. The Bears and Packers have a bye in the upcoming week, so 3-5 is almost inevitable. Once again, the entire roster besides Aaron Rodgers is available in exchange for value keeper players.

8. Megatron & Co., 2-4 (Jackson)
Hurt by Philadelphia's bye week, Megatron put up only 75 points, but management mistakes from Skittles could still give this team their third win.

9. SINS Bolden, 3-4 (TJ)
Almost outscored by Team Marketing in a loss to Soak-n-Suds. This team seems stacked with inconsistent players, but they don't have any upcoming weeks that will force out more than a few starters due to byes, so they aren't dead yet.

10. The Real Schafer, 3-4 (Jo)
Could conceivably end up 4-3, but this is still a fairly weak team, and the next three weeks form a brutal part of the schedule. Anquan Boldin may come back next week.

11. Who Dey, 2-5 (Quinn)
Played decent this week, getting 94 points, but fell short and remain trapped in the cellar in the league. The waiver pickup of Trent Edwards was a good move- what was Manos thinking? Next week they face Beer to the Dean- not a good place to look for their third win.

12. Team Marketing, 1-6 (Manos)
The fifth different starting quarterback of the season (Kyle Orton,) but the same result. There is no matchup in the coming weeks that look good for Manos- the next competitive game could come in December against Who Dey, in the last week of the season.

How to score points with mediocre halfbacks

PROTIP: start any running back who plays the Bengals

Week 6 Recap & Power Ranking

So the first week of my predictions...was a bit off. 4-2 is pretty bad...though to be fair, I almost called the Manos upset, and I possibly wasn't being objective when I picked my own team. Still, it was a pretty weak round of predictions- Schaffer escaped with a win in a game I thought was over before it began. Even Quinn, who started three people who didn't set foot on an NFL field, kept it somewhat competitive against the other half of Joja.

Jackson compared my predictions to Bill Simmons, while I am prepared to compare myself even a notch lower- I'm entering Shannon Sharpe territory. (Did anyone watch The NFL Today with him before the 1:00 games? He was trying to make a joke, and didn't know what number came after 500,000.) If I start bringing up rivalry games and saying how "these teams don't like each other" I want you all to impeach me posthaste.

It was a big week for running backs, but Maurice Jones-Drew, Clinton Portis, and Thomas Jones all went for a losing effort in our league. Someone named Patrick Cobbs had 138 receiving yards and two touchdowns, so TJ signed him right away (Commissioner Protip: one game != trend.) Two of the three top receivers, Marvin Harrison and Vincent Jackson, sat on the benches while their owners also went down to defeat.

No games will be decided tonight, unless Jamal Lewis gets negative points or Derrick Ward has the game of his life.

Power rankings:

1. Suit Killers (5-1)
Not their most dominating performance of the season, but the Homo-Barber combination gets it done again. Even when these two have a bye, they will be a tall order to take on. Next week they take on Team Marketing. Even my predictions won't sway how that one turns out.

2. Ja (5-1)
It wasn't the most impressive win, and it was against a cupcake. I still think this team has just above average talent, but they keep winning. If they play .500 from here on in, they could make the playoffs.

3. Beer to the Dean (4-2)
My prediction of the Beer Dean violating Jo in an unholy manner hardly proved accurate- Nate Kaeding's game against the 18-1*'s was the only thing that kept this from being the second big upset of the week. The marquee players- Campbell, Cotchery, Peterson, and Jackson, were all held to ten points or less, despite some favorable matchups.

4. SINS Bolden (3-3)
A weak effort in a big game that could have propelled them to elite status- Frank Gore was the only player in double digits (I'm going to go way out on a limb and say that Braylon Edwards won't do much tomorrow night either.) You would have never known Brett Favre just turned 39- if you didn't listen for more than three consecutive minutes to Enberg, Dierdorf, and Cross- and if you didn't see him throwing wounded duck picks to the miserable Bengals. This team has Eli Manning, but looks hesitant to put him in, for some reason. I saw they picked up Patrick Cobbs from the free agent cesspool- how do I signed fluke?

5. Rob College (4-2)
Remember how Skittles had a great team out of the gate that fell apart later in the season? This is why you want depth. A great game from Maurice Jones-Drew but nobody else contributed a thing. If he had any additional receivers, (even someone as bad as a waiver wire pickup or Chad Johnson) he could have won. Skittles' fast start looks eerily reminiscent of his 8-0 start last year, when he failed to even make the playoffs.

6. Soak-N-Suds (3-3)
Big games from places you don't expect , as Joe C got 16 and 21 point games, respectively, from the Tampa D and David Akers. Reggie Bush and Andre Johnson had big games as well, as he goes on to edge out Otten. This team has a good starting line, but probably not enough depth (backups include Derek Anderson and Michael Bush) to hang in during the bye weeks.

7. The Real Schafer (3-3)
Had John started Matt Jones instead of Bobby Engram, he would be 4-2 right now. Fail. They're an average team that can occasionally get big games out of the roster, so they aren't completely out of the picture, but .500 would be an accomplishment.

8. Taking the Reins (2-4)
8,9,10 are all pretty tightly bunched- they were the three teams, along with Haubert, that I saw competing for the title this season. While he has been nearly unbeatable, Taking the Reins keeps struggling. McNabb looked OK, but now the Patriots look miserable, with Wes Welker not being a great #2 receiver. LT is only an above-average performer at RB this season. They are still dangerous, and played close against a similarly talented team, so I give them a slight edge over the other 2-4 teams.

9. Megatron & Co. (2-4)
My reaction when I saw that Peyton Manning decided to put together a great game:
http://i38.tinypic.com/iqka2q.jpg
And then when Correll Buckhalter gained 186 total yards and two TDs:
http://i33.tinypic.com/27y0myo.jpg
Megatron not only won a must-win game- they put up the most points of any team this week (and that was with Patrick Crayton on the bench.) 2-4 is a big obstacle to overcome, but they are a deep enough team to run off some wins and get back in the chase. However, the upcoming schedule is not forgiving: games against Rob, Haubert, Joe C, and TJ in the next month.

10. Brooklyn Goldsmiths (2-4)
First to worst? The Goldsmiths' only wins this year came against the hapless Team Marketing, and against the Suit Killers, which was all because of DeSean "N-Bomb" Jackson- I could easily be managing the worst team in the league. A loss next week against the Real Schafer could break the camel's back, but the Smiths should come in with the full starting roster intact. Want to challenge the Suit Killers but need a pro bowl wide out? TJ Houshmanzadeh is yours for a young running back. Make it interesting and you can get Chris Cooley too. Aaron Rodgers is the only untouchable on the roster.

11. Who Dey (2-4)
Carson Palmer: 0/0, 0 yards passing, 0 TDs, 0 INTs, QB rtg: N/A
Chris Chambers: 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs
Selvin Young: 0 attempts, 0 yards, 0 TDs, 0 catches, 0 fumbles
Injury reports are your friend

12. Team Marketing (1-5)
Even Elgin Baylor won the Executive of the Year one time. Not the prettiest win- just 66+ points; but enough to avoid the threat of going 0-14. I came really close to ranking them #11 this week though.

Week 5 Recap & Power Rankings

Trivia time. What NFL quarterback, through the first five weeks of the season, has thrown for nearly 1,500 yards, 10 TDs, and 4 interceptions? If you guessed Carson Palmer, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, or Eli Manning, you should be relegated from this league for your Brian Torpeyesque knowledge of the league. The answer is Kurt Warner, who languishes on the Suit Killers bench. If my own QB wasn't a deep value pick, I would be all over Warner, who is pretty much made for the fantasy game- his stats this year are nearly identical to Jay Cutler.

No big surprises around our league this week- decent matchups, but the better team typically came out on top. The haves are slowly pulling away from the have nots, and both JoJa teams are the only surprising teams currently in the playoff picture, while yours truly and Jackson struggle for respectability.

Onto the power rankings:

1. Suit Killers, 4-1 (Haubert)
Still the undisputed best team in the league. Any one of the five running backs on this team are better than any on a handful of teams- including mine. The only weak point continues to be Chad Johnson, the leading candidate for fantasy bust of the year. Ocho Stinko has fewer receptions and yards than his teammate Antonio Chatman. If that isn't enough, Tyler Thigpen has more fantasy points right now. An epic trade involving Romo or Warner for a top receiver could propel this team to unbeatable status.

2. Rob College, 4-1 (Skittles)
http://i36.tinypic.com/dfbuqd.jpg

3. Ja, 4-1
Destroyed Taking the Reins, thanks to the Seahawks' sieve-like defense allowing Brandon Jacobs to score two touchdowns. This team has been fortunate to have some huge performances from its best players, but is very top heavy- four players in the lineup this week scored fewer than five points.

4. Beer to the Dean, 3-2 (Peter)
Finally coming to life. Should go to 3-2 after tonight's game. Defense decided the matchup against Jackson, however- Carolina's D put up 19 points to seal the victory. Deeper than the two teams higher in the standings, but inconsistent.

5. SINS Bolden, 3-2 (TJ)
Could have gone to 4-1 this week, but Anthony Gonzalez and John Carlson combined for 0.3 points, and as a result, lost to Skittles by seven.

6. The Real Schafer, 3-2 (Jo)
Inexplicably continues to win. DeAngelo Williams was the star this week, adding 32 points. The latest news on Anquan Boldin has him out indefinitely; this is a crucial variable in how good this team really is.

7. Brooklyn Goldsmiths, 2-3 (Bolden)
At long last, win #2. TJ Houshmanzadeh had a breakout game, Aaron Rodgers went from questionable 90 minutes before the game to a 300 yard game against Atlanta, and even Ryan Grant made it into positive territory this week. Until Willie Parker decides to finally come back, this team is a pretender. The pickup of Kyle Orton looks good if Rodgers aggravates his injury.

8. Soak-n-Suds, 2-3 (Joe C)
Ran into the unstoppable force that is the Suit Killers. In all fairness, Soak-n-Suds played well enough to win, and has the talent to turn their season around.

9. Taking the Reins, 2-3 (Otten)
Only Larry Fitzgerald scored double digit points this week; until McNabb and LT being playing consistently (unless in their advanced ages this _is_ how they play), this team will struggle like they did to Ja in Week 5.

10. Megatron & Co., 1-4 (Jackson)
Peyton Manning finally played well and Brian Westbrook is back, but it wasn't enough to avoid becoming the only 1-4 team in the league. Injuries have hurt this team, but they should have been better than this. The Todd Heap pickup isn't bad, despite his lack of production so far (no TE has done much consistently this season aside from Jason Witten.) Next week they take on the Goldsmiths in the battle of the underachievers.

11. Who Dey, 2-3 (Quinn)
COMMISSIONER PROTIP: Don't start a kicker who is on a bye, especially when you have two kickers on the roster.

12. Team Marketing, 0-5 (Manos)
How bad is this team? Their average margin of loss this season is 44 points. Four starters on the team earned ZERO points.

Remember, if your team is struggling, somebody always needs a starter at a position in which you have depth. If you're hopelessly out of the playoff picture, remember it's a keeper league- build your teams for next year.

How to not score 0 points

COMMISSIONER PROTIP: Don't start a kicker who is on a bye, especially when you have two kickers on the roster.

Week 4 Recap & Power Rankings

Another week, another round of losers getting worse and questionable trades. Thanks to the performances of the Mets, Brewers, Bengals, and pretty much everyone on my team, yesterday was one of the worst sports days I've had in a few years. Earlier in the week, Dwayne Bowe joined the Goldsmiths in a controversial trade with Manos, to add yet another QB to his flock- with the firing of his spiritual role model Matt Millen last week, it remains to be seen if Manos will continue to employ his strategy of stockpiling players at one position. The other trade, initiated last night, would send the possibly injured/possibly not Anquan Boldin and the deceptively good Muhsin Muhammad for a pair of wide receivers drafted in the twentieth century, one of whom played for the Los Angeles Rams. Never underestimate what desperation and the desire to pull off a dick-move trade out of the Jim Bowden playbook can do to a person.

I guess Brett Favre goes down as this week's MVP- that disingenuous hick threw 6 TDs to lead TJ to a blow-out win over my team. Larry Johnson came to life as well, as his performance was enough for Skiddles to "squeeze out" a victory over Curtin's struggling team. I am personally pushing for someone with a dire situation at QB to make a trade for Dave Krieg, Jr., better known as Kurt Warner. His performances are too fun to not have him start for a team in the league- 472 yards (on 57 passing attempts!), 2 touchdowns, three interceptions, and three fumbles lost. Monday night's game will decide just one contest in our league- Quinn should beat Jackson barring huge games from Santonio Holmes and Ray Rice. Onto the power rankings:

1. Suit Killers (Haubert), 3-1
Chad Johnson finally caught a touchdown, but the big winner for the SK sat on the bench this week- Laveranues Coles. Steve Slaton is the weakest starter on paper, and even he added 17 points. The team to beat.

2. Ja, 3-1
Lost to his brother, but had Plaxico Burress and Brandon Jacobs on the bench. Looks a lot more like the championship team from last year than Torpey's wrong-Adiran Peterson shitpile it descended from.

3. SINS Bolden (TJ), 3-1
Resounding win against the Goldsmiths, thanks to Brett Favre, TO, and Frank Gore. A good team, but they depend heavily on their top three and lack the depth of other teams.

4. Rob College (Skiddles), 3-1
Larry Johnson and Jay Cutler helped him get by a mediocre opponent; I'm still not sold on this team.

5. Beer to the Dean (Schaffer), 2-2
Climbing back to respectability after more than doubling his hapless opponent, Team Marketing. Adrian Peterson looks healthy, Steven Jackson looks like he is not trying to be this year's Frank Gore, and Chris Johnson would be the best running back on some teams (like yours truly.)

6. Taking the Reins (Otten), 2-2
Decent performances, and LT finally had a big game, but not enough to slip by the Suit Killers. Still a team to watch, and probably talented enough to be top three by the end of the season.

7. Soak-n-Suds (Curtin), 2-2
They have my vote for "Team most likely to trade for Kurt Warner".

8. Megatron (Jackson), 1-3
Better than their record indicates- Manning, Wayne, and Calvin Johnson had byes while Westbrook sat out with an injury. On paper, the second best team in the league, but 1-3 is 1-3.

9. Goldsmiths (Bolden), 1-3
Everybody panic. Rodgers threw three picks, Ryan Grant was the worst fantasy performer of the week- had I put in someone on a bye week, I would have done better than his negative contribution. TJ Houshmazadeh had the misfortune of playing catch with an Ivy Leaguer, but that still doesn't excuse his performance thus far. Willie Parker's return will help, as will Maroney if he ever stops dicking around and plays up to his performance, but trading Boldin is a risky move if he turns out to be alright. Rashard Mendenall goes tonight- it could be interesting to see how he plays, as this team slowly begins thinking about next season.

10. The Real Schafer (Jo), 2-2
Beat his brother's depleted squad (not an innuendo.) If Boldin is healthy, this could be a much better team, and clearing off two 30+ receivers is a step in the right direction.

11. Who Dey (Quinn), 2-2
Should Matt Ryan start in place of Carson Palmer once he comes back? Chris Perry could be headed for the bench on the Bengals, and Who Dey doesn't have much in the way of a bench to replace him. Give it a few more weeks, but this team should be part of a fire sale by the trade deadline.

12. Team Marketing (Manos), 0-4
For Team Marketing President and CEO Mike Manos, success in the Rapetime Football League is simple: "The team that wins the Championship is successful and the other 11 teams are not."

Be creative with your trade offers- I am in the mood to make some deals. If you're in the bottom tier, you need to be getting on this too- your teams won't get better overnight, and never underestimate what some people will give up for a name player.

Week 3 Recap & Power Rankings

This week's update comes a bit late, sort of like Aaron Rodgers' comeback attempt on Sunday night, where had he passed for thirty more yards, he could have given me my second straight win, rather than relegating me to the same record as a team with Edgerrin James as the featured back.

No big trades going into week three games, only another confounding trade involving Manos stockpiling quarterbacks- this time, it was Matt Cassel, in exchange for the underachieving Laurence Maroney. In week three games, Ronnie Brown and Michael Turner were the top players, both contributing to Haubert's big win over Skiddles.

Finally, bye weeks for players start next week, so adjust your rosters accordingly. On to the power rankings:

1- Suit Killers (2-1) - Haubert
Any notions Skiddles had of running the table early again this year were easily denied by the Suit Killers; Haubert's bench outscored Skiddles in week three. The Killers have outscored all other teams by thirty points this year- if not for Desean Jackson, they should be 3-0.

2- Ja (3-0)
3-0 is 3-0. It's still early, and while this is a good team, I doubt they will remain on top once the season progresses (they have one of the weakest benches in the league), but for now they are the among the best.

3- Taking the Reins (2-1) Otten
Tomlinson and Welker still haven't put up decent numbers, but Marshawn Lynch and Donovon McNabb have carried the load, though beating up on The Real Schafer isn't exactly an arduous task.

4- SINS Bolden (2-1) TJ
This team has been under the radar most of the year, but started off well enough to be top four. Jeremy Shockey hasn't done much to begin with, but now he will be gone for the next month, so it will be difficult to replace him with a TE in free agency who has any fantasy value.

5- Megatron & Co. (1-2) Jackson
Despite having a losing record, I still rank this team higher than others- despite the lackluster performance so far, they still have a very deep set of players at skill positions, and Peyton Manning will assuredly get better than he has been. Next week looks rough though- none of the three quarterbacks on the roster are playing. Brian Griese time?

6- Soak-N-Suds (2-1) Joe C
Finally pulled the plug on Derek Anderson- at least he won't have the ignominious distinction of waiting until after Romeo Crennel decides to do the same. Decent depth on the roster, so they could hold up during bye weeks better than some.

7- Rob College (2-1) Skiddles
So much for another "streak" this year, Rob. He did score over a hundred points in a losing effort to the Suit Killers, but I remain unconvinced that this team deserves to be in the elite category.

8- Brooklyn Goldsmiths (1-2) Bolden
Every game has been close- but that only means that I could easily be looking at 0-3. Still a high-scoring team- fifth best in the league, TJ Houshmanzadeh showed signs of life, but Willie Parker put forward a terrible performance by any standard- 20 yards, no TDs- that sank my chances of a week three win. Next week: against SINS Bolden. Looking like a must-win game.

9- Beer to the Dean (1-2) Peter
Not looking like a playoff contender at this point. They have the deepest set of running backs in the league, but not much in the passing game. Roethlisberger had a Carson Palmeresque game against the Eagles, and has to put up better numbers to get this team out of the cellar.

10- Who Dey (1-2) Quinn
Won their first game of the year at the expense of the hapless Team Marketing. Carson Palmer had a decent game for a change, but this team still lacks a running game or the bench depth to be a contender.

11- The Real Schafer (1-2) Jo
55-point losers last week. They remain marginally better than what Bullinger did to them last year, but this is a team most of league should have no problem beating on a week to week basis.

12- Team Marketing (0-3) Manos
Third week, third different starting QB for Team Marketing. Unfortunately, Matt Cassel failed to unleash the dragon in Miami- he only threw for 131 yards, and only one pass longer than twenty yards. LEAGUE COMMISSIONER PROTIP: Sign Vinnie Testaverde once he comes out of retirement, and trade him to Manos, who abides by the philosophy that you can't have enough quarterbacks.

Week 2 Recap & Power Rankings

I hope all you Wall Streeters are having as good of a morning as me... but probably not. I should have guessed that it would have been a decent week for me in the pros if Saturday gave me the distinct pleasure of getting to see OSU get blown out and Charlie Weis tear his ACL. How do I schadenfreude?

Even before the week of our games started, I pulled the trigger on a big trade with Jackson that improved both of our teams; I traded away two of my stalwarts from last season, Peyton Manning and Santonio Holmes (along with waiver pickup Andre Hall) for Ryan Grant, Devery Henderson, and Minnesota's D. Without context, it looks like Jackson got the best of me- essentially trading away a top 3 QB for a top 10 HB. With the depth I have at QB (Aaron Rodgers, Matt Cassel), and the dearth of talent at running back (only one starting running back on my roster), I had to make the move. Later in the week, Jackson added Reggie Wayne in exchange for Roy Williams and Matt Hasselbeck- his team is now as good as any in the league.

Second tier players dominated the week- Aaron Rodgers, Kurt Warner (languishing on the Suit Killers bench), Darren Sproles, and even J.T. O'Sullivan were among the individual leaders for the week that was.

Time for the power rankings. After my epic failure last week, I'm only calling games that are a sure thing this time around.

1 - Witty Team Name (Jackson) 1-1
Only 1-1, but the best team (on paper) in the league. Demolished The Real Schafer, thanks to Calvin Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and Darren McFadden, and Westbrook hasn't even played yet. Manning threw for 300 yards, but only one (lucky) touchdown, and he still looks rusty.

2 - Ja 2-0
Destroyed Team Marketing (as they should,) but are getting strong performances from every position. This week, five players gave double-digit performances.

3 - Rob College (Skiddles) 2-0
Like last year all over again. A win is a win, but without Cutler's incredible start, this team would be 0-2. Larry Johnson and Randy Moss have been playing like garbage, and will need to step it up to an average level for this team to stay in the race and avoid another late-season fade.

4 - Beer to the Dean (Peter) 1-1
No self-splunk this week, with seven players going in double digits. Not many superstars outside of the running back slots, but this team probably has the most starters of any team in the league, and will be tough to beat even when players have average performances.

5 - Brooklyn Goldsmiths (Bolden) 1-1?
Aaron Rodgers, Anquan Boldin, and Green Bay's D each went over twenty points to pave the way to the highest scoring team (so far) of the week. I'm hesitant to call a win after what happened to me last monday (and Haubert has four players going tonight), but unless the remaining players average over 15 points each, it looks like my very solid team has earned their first win of the year.

6 - Suit Killers (Haubert) 1-1?
The Killers' defense and kicker were the only contributors in all of Sunday's games- Michael Turner came back down to earth, Ronnie Brown did very little, and Ocho Cinco is terrible. Still, they have Tony Homo, Marion Barber, Patrick Crayton going tonight, though banking heavily on one team is a risky strategy.

7 - Taking the Reins (Otten) 1-1
Likely headed to a loss against Skiddles' squad thanks to disasters from LT and the San Diego D who combined for 3 points. If LT gets back on track this team could still move into the upper echelon, but a trade of Anquan Boldin would likely hurt Larry Fitzgerald.

8 - SINS Bolden (TJ) 1-0
I have no idea how the postponed Baltimore-Houston game will be reflected in the standings, so I won't call this one until it's official. I wish ND would have lost so I'd have some filler here.

9 - Who Dey (Quinn) 0-1
Same as above- in a close game, with two Baltimore players that were supposed to go this week. Clinton Portis and Chris Chambers had great efforts, but Carson Palmer followed up last week's career worst performance with the second worst game of his career. At this pace, he'll be as good as Jon Kitna by Week 6.

10 - Soak-N-Suds (1-1)
How can Derek Anderson remain a starter in this league while Trent Edwards is an unsigned free agent?

11 - The Real Schafer (1-1)
Congratulations, you're better than a team that has Roy Williams as the featured star. Most of this week's points came from the Pittsburgh D, who dominated the hapless Browns. By the way, how bad is it when Missouri's professional football teams are arguably better than Ohio's?

12 - Team Marketing (0-2)
No surprise here. In the span of one week, you go from having Tom Brady and Reggie Wayne to Matt Hasselbeck and Roy Williams.

Week 1 Recap & Power Rankings

Week one is nearly over. Only one matchup is really dependent on tonight's games. The big story of course was Tom Brady getting Von Oelhoffened by the Chiefs and handing the reins over to Matt Cassel, the newest Brooklyn Goldsmith (and available for trade for the right offer.) Another interesting transaction came when the Jo half of Joja made his team even older by adding the curiously unretired Michael Pittman to his roster. In other league news, most of you have paid your dues but some are still deadbeats. Get to it. Finally, I present you with Week 1 of my subjective power rankings.

#1 - Suit Killers (Haubert) 1-0
Willis McGahee sat out on Sunday, but the Suit Killers still won with a dominating running game led by Michael Turner. The deepest team at this point.

#2 - Brooklyn Goldsmiths (Bolden) 1-0
Same as last year's recipe for a championship- a deep pool of good players, no reliance on superstars. Willie Parker's incredible game made up for shit performances from Kenny Watson, Chris Cooley, and Santonio Holmes.

#3- Soak-N-Suds (Joe C) 1-0
Good all-around performance. Reggie Bush seemed like a reach in the second round, but he played like he deserved it this week.

#4 - Witty Team Name (Jackson) 0-0
Almost everyone played in line with expectations. Should be able to edge out a victory in the Monday night games tonight.

#5 - Taking the Reins (Otten) 0-0
A huge game from Donovan McNabb made up for subpar performances from other good players. Has to make sure Darren McFadden, Ryan Grant, and Minnesota's D don't combine for 20 points in order to prevent a loss, however.

#6- Ja (Ja) 1-0
Solid efforts all around, this team will be much better than the condition Bullinger left it in.

#7- Beer to the Dean (Peter) 0-1
Slaughtered by Haubert in Week One, but anyone else would have fared the same. A pair of Rams in key offensive spots did nothing to help, with Torry Holt and Steven Jackson combining for less than ten points. This team is better than this though, and will likely challenge to be first runner-up once again.

#8 - SINS Bolden (Terrence) 0-1
Frank Gore might have a comeback year, but it could be Braylon Edwards' turn to shit the bed on TJ this year.

#9 - The Real Schafer (Jo) 1-0
The lowest ranked team that won, because this is not a very good team. Marvin Harrison, Joey Galloway, Edgerrin James, and Donald Driver would have been an epic fantasy team...back when most of us were in early high school. They beat up on the hapless Team Marketing, however, and a win is a win.

#10 - Rob College (Skiddles) 0-1
Skiddles stunned us all last year when his second-rate team started out 9-0 before a Cubs-like collapse that left them out of the playoff picture. And Randy Moss looks a lot less attractive than he did last year.

#11 - Who Dey (Quinn) 0-1
Your team has problems when it is centered on Carson Palmer, who looked like David Klingler against the Ravens on Sunday.

#12 - Team Marketing (Manos) 0-1
Will the Pats sign Daunte Culpepper out of retirement? Will Matt Cassel unleash the fucking dragon and go 18-1*? Will Manos win more than four games?